When the advice I gave others stopped reaching me
Learning how to be kinder to yourself sounds simple enough. Towards the end of my previous podcast, Words, Wobbles and Wisdom, I began to feel like a fraud. That's not an easy thing to admit, especially when you've spent years speaking into a microphone about being kind to yourself.
The podcast grew out of my long struggle with weight and food. I talked about the messy middle, the times when progress was slow and the importance of not beating yourself up. Then eating became difficult again, I was gaining weight, and I wasn't extending much kindness to myself at all. I felt I'd lost the right to encourage anybody else.
Looking back, I can see the irony. I'd been telling people for years that they didn't have to conquer a struggle before they were allowed some compassion. Yet there I was, applying a completely different rule to myself. I was repeating the same conversations and needed to ask some new questions.
Forty years of blaming myself
I'd spent around forty years dieting, convinced that my difficulties were down to my own weakness. Then I began reading and listening to discussions about ultra-processed food, GLP-1 medications and obesity as a chronic disease rather than simply a failure of willpower.
I remember hearing Chris van Tulleken say, ‘It's not your fault.’ You might expect those words to have brought immediate relief. They didn't. I was furious. I thought about all the years I'd spent metaphorically kicking myself in the shins and wondered what that had achieved.
Around the same time, my counsellor suggested that my weight and eating might be red herrings. Red herrings! After forty years! I remember thinking, what a waste of time — what a waste of my life.
But the suggestion opened up other conversations. I began exploring childhood experiences, old beliefs and the things that still affected my behaviour, even when my rational brain knew those beliefs weren't true.
What I actually wanted to change
As I worked through some of those questions, I realised I wanted more than a different number on the scales. I wanted food, weight and dieting to stop occupying so much space in my head. I wanted energy for other things.
I wanted lighter sighs. Better sleep. A bit more emotional rope, so that someone else's troubles didn't immediately feel like more than I could carry. I wanted to be able to give my time and attention without worrying that I'd have nothing left afterwards.
I wanted to look after my whole self. And slowly I began to see that I'd been fighting the wrong person. I'd been fighting myself. No wonder it felt like a battle I could never win.
Grace for the journey
As a Christian, I've heard about God's grace all my life. Grace is a gift, freely given, rather than something I've earned. Yet I've often been astonishingly stingy when it comes to extending any of that generosity to myself.
In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul describes asking God to remove a ‘thorn in the flesh’. We aren't told exactly what it was. God's response was, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’
Those words matter to me because the thorn hadn't disappeared. Grace was available while Paul was still dealing with the difficulty.
The gap between where I am and where I want to be can feel enormous. I believe God's grace is more than enough for that space. I'm learning that I need to allow myself some of it too.
Why a new podcast?
Listeners to Words, Wobbles and Wisdom often told me that food wasn't their struggle, but they recognised the feelings I was describing. Disappointment, self-criticism, hope, perseverance — these don't belong to any one kind of problem.
One person might be trying to rebuild a relationship. Someone else may be navigating ill health, a change at work, a parenting challenge or a question of faith. We all have places in life where reality doesn't yet match what we hoped for.
I wanted to hear from people with different experiences and perspectives. I still have plenty to say — anyone who knows me will confirm that — but I have plenty to learn as well. So Grace in the Gap is built around conversations, with an occasional solo episode like this one. There will be serious subjects, but I don't intend to be solemn about them all the time.
Staying on my own team
Being kind to myself doesn't require pretending everything is grand. Some days are difficult. Some things need to change, and some of those changes will take work.
What I'm trying to practise is staying on my own side while I do that work. Cheering myself on instead of joining the team that keeps kicking me in the shins. Remembering that the good things happening today are worth noticing, even when I'm still hoping for something different tomorrow.
That's the invitation behind Grace in the Gap: pursuing grace while we're getting where we're going. Whether you share my faith, are exploring it or don't believe, you're welcome at the table.
I'd love to know what gap you're living in at the moment, and what being a little kinder to yourself might look like there. You can listen to the solo episode, ‘Why Grace in the Gap?’, on the podcast and get in touch through my website.
Let's continue the conversation on Instagram!
